What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 00:01
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She was in good health!
He knew the spot.
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was seconnd youngest,
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She wouldn,t have been !
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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She found it foreign!.
She married twice! .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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I never cut or harmed myself..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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My life is so biszare .
It was going to be , some day.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im still living with it.
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
What did i know ?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My family never makes their pension either.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
What are some good inspirational movies?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One cannot live in the past .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Ive learnt so much.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Comes on , in middle age.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was 9 years of age.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was very sick at this time too.
We were not on the streets..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So, i spoilt her more .
I have no regrets .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I will be 64.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
When she asked me how she looked .
And i lived it daily.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
This is soul school!.
I waited trembling.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I don,t even have a pension.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Was to survive, this bastard.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But, we were locked up after school.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Put me off passion for life!!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I couldn’t, believe it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Especially a lifetime of it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We all went to grammer schools
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She loved him until the end.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But it wasn’t much.
All the time i was locked up.
I write beautiful poetry .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Would this be the day?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Who then, do I blame.?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
(And it was in our own minds.)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So whats the point in blame.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I said to her
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was scared of men, in general
I think the readers, may guess!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.